The Writings of Ethan!

Thursday, January 1, 2026

im obsessed

when I close my eyes tonight I'm lucid dreaming

falling asleep to the image of your face and seeing where you take me

the scientific method

i used to value logic

then treasured emotion, both in full confidence

until i found myself avoiding both due to the inability to regulate

ill experiment with them together next

perhaps engaging in one without the other shifts the scales disproportionately

truth cannot be found without embracing the entirety of all possibility

thereby, between ignorance and education balance is found

and above that, freedom

or so it seems

life is truly just an everlasting experiment

hypothesis, examine, hypothesis, repeat

an exhausting but necessary piece of the human condition

hope and purpose, emotion and logic

you can't distract what you want

My heart implodes from utter adoration

like a child obsessing with "love"

hoping for a feeling, waiting and inviting the thought

I dream of your face

when fingers touch, it's nothing much

lasting eye contact and a wink

what am I supposed to think?

I hold no risk, no deeper hurt

no complications, just me

and all of myself for that one moment

but you lie through your silence

and lie you do the most to yourself

no boundaries you set and so I'm led to believe you're just a coward

unless I'm in denial and you're solely hesitant to reject me or my delusions

surely you know.

in either case, what am I to think?

what am I to know if you say nothing?

am i the one lost in this scenario?

or are you conflicted....

if the world had different rules

would you speak to me?

would you dare to even be my friend

when I push and test you

when i try to provoke your deepest thoughts

even when you don't even know them yourself?

let me love you

as a friend or not

and if neither, then say it blunt

speak your truth

and don't be afraid to acknowledge your emotions or thoughts

a thought is never "wrong" and honestly if you ask me, nor is an action

nothing is

except for refusing to truly live or risking failure or mistakes

a society of openly transparent individuals sounds far more exciting than a society of invisibles

just say it all, think it all, and then decide the best solution...together if need be

even if you don't think it's the case, you are in control

not communicating or addressing matters won't make them disappear

take the leap, send the text, make the call, just have fun with life

silence and fear cause more pain and hurt than anything else

make it messy

let people judge you outwardly,

and then envy your courage and free-spirit in private

do anything......

anything except waiting for death and fearing its arrival

what you don't understand scares you

I fall in love too easily though it's rare I must confess

often does my heart feel warmth yet when it does, I do obsess

"childish and immature

just needing their attention"

but no offense I find of their words that lack progression

they don't see me

nor know themselves

so I'm used for their amusement

perhaps my crush will fade

and they'll see my grand performance

acting on emotion

and living as I please

there are no rules

or repercussions

one day they'll feel at ease

yes means yes, no means no

i'll pursue it to the end

desire and passion are all i know

fueling yet another conquest

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

that snear
so uncommon
so suppressed
the anger is flowing
a tear, one falls
i now see the separation...
the lies that led my life
I am fiercely and violently angry
and I'm learning to become comfortable with saying
"I hate you"

"directness" they call it

I have no judgment
not even for myself
I keep my eyes, my mind
upon myself

regardless of what I've been told
my mind and heart are free
not seeing sisters, brothers
as enemies, controversies

people, humans
no different than me
born of woman
doing their best to succeed

life if only, is hard enough
how could I give them more distrust
if I take you, that's my truth
I have no time to waste on you

historically speaking, I'm but a muse

at my age
just imagine me as Lillith, with a taste for blood
a necessity, craving to feed a curiosity
a fuel for existence...
would you still deprive me?

if only shifted your perspective just a millimeter
could you even imagine the potential for your life?

a god, a goddess....
freedom. freedom is all it is.
a true savior for souls like mine, mine as well
wanting of life, needing to feel, see, touch...
mutually beneficial as the law would see

don't leave, don't run from your desires
it only causes more pain for all involved
replenished, refueled
it's all that's in store for you
if only you opened your mind
opened your heart
welcomed your body

and released the lies you've been taught
the chains and cages of ownership

freedom. darkness. ecstasy. inspiration and balance.

balance...of heart, soul, body, spirit, and mind.

when a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man

The wink you gave
The subtle compliment
A gentleman in disguise

I had hoped, something I was used to
But confusing to my feelings
good men still exist

I hope you enjoy the show

old wounds opened
a pain I'd thought I'd moved past
scars that lingered
believed to be preserved over

how can something dead come back to life?
something erased, still, be present in our minds?

It all comes flowing back

a wave of feelings, obsessions
that nothing can subdue
and nothing can suppress

it was never erased
it was only buried
buried deep, buried well
thought out and curated, intentionally

but regardless of its severity
it reappears the same
no matter how engulfed in ones subconscious, it remains

a haunting, the realest of anything that exists in our world
but what poltergeist can be performed to make it go away?
none. it will never leave until the simulation is successful
our present reality is but a testing ground

variables and constants we are
playing the game while our reactions are documented

i hope I give an exciting and memorable response
regardless or as expected as it may be

I hope to be an outlier
viewing my pain as pleasure, I hope to skew the results
unpredictable and unresponsive....exciting nonetheless

02101999

at least let it be a number you remember

relieve me with my conscious dignity
and leave me with your transient curiosities

Monday, August 29, 2022

Gaslighting the greatness away

they called me ungrateful for the desire to lose it all

selfish to speculate my end

even just the thought

my eyes, my legs, my ears

they must not understand the torture it is to exist

I see too much, hear too much, and my legs take me places I wish not to go

they'll lie and say I matter

to you? for you? to who?

questions that are important to ask

nothing should be too "taboo"

we need to welcome the uncomfortable, the gruesome

thoughts are thoughts

though we never may take action, the feelings still exist

I dreamed I lost it all

and I was happy, neutrality at its finest

don't suppress, accept, and maybe we can lead to a better future

Saturday, August 27, 2022

Medias numbed us

If i said "today I die"
You wouldn't hear

"today you die"
Still nowhere near

noone listens
noone believes
They close their ears
And refuse to see

They played us all
Through their dramatic lies
Trauma-ridden, what a great disguise

A peaceful world they pretend
yet still conversing the end
Their gossip takes up space
couldn't genuineness take that place?

I promise it’d be easier
To open your heart
Choose your hard
And stop deceiving. think smart

Open your eyes
Don’t let a fool be your guise

greatness awaits for those not cheating their place

Friday, August 26, 2022

Manipulators are the weakest of all

Oh the blame inside my hands
For the things I've never done
An illusion, I see blood
For the lies that I was told

The innocent are the ones
Who take the fall the most
The weakest they are
For the stronger their heart

They confuse me, to amuse them
To run from what they’ve done
If someone takes the fall
Then no-one questions at all

I wish I would of known
the power that they had
And that we are equal
the same power i have

One day we’ll speak up
See through their lies
See our love is powerful
And don’t need to hide

I wish a world that changes
Progresses and renews
Kindness is a skill to learn
No evil should run through

Don’t do the crime
If you don’t, wanna serve the time
cause the best of us will rise up
And hold accountable that line

Thursday, August 18, 2022

Fate was spoken

under the bridge

beneath the moon

the elements combined

pyrrho spoke

wear the crown

you're the sun

give a gift

and continue on

light and dark

mixed within

darkness beside

sacrificed

we met eyes

our souls were tied

paths confirmed

flowers alive

Thursday, August 11, 2022

Justice XI

a woman by age

a child at heart

never matured

kept apart

locked away

her mothers part

enabling fear and twisting hearts

for the pain you caused

I sentence you

a great applause

the world a-view

truth to judge

scales leveled out

an end your reign

generation stopped

Monday, August 8, 2022

A Mother without a Name

tell me now
why you lie
to yourself
and those nearby

does it hurt
to wear that mask
to have no name
and have no back

scared, you run
ashamed, you hide
never will your soul confide

alone you stand

in a room that's full
empty-handed
a life so cruel

those who loved
you pushed away
afraid they'd see
your imperfect face

unable to look
at yourself
spent your time
gaining wealth

how's it now
to have it all
but be alone
and act so tall

speaking lies
on repeat
a house filled
with utter grief

no light
just darkened rooms
hate-filled heart
and broken words

one day you'll see
perhaps when it's over
your time is up
nothing more left to uncover

you've had your chance
to make right all your sins
now better of dead
nothing more left to give

Persephone's growth

I was only out painting the narcissus
Until the ground broke beneath me
You tried to question and control our fate
Without giving any thought to what could please me
And to this day I don’t return
Yet I no longer let you wreak havoc on the innocent
You stayed furious and turned your homelife into chaos
But mine stayed peaceful in the garden of the underworld
Spring is still my own and i’ll forever claim it
Taking power over your name and remaining my own

Wednesday, March 30, 2022

Comfort is not the cure

Sometimes I’d prefer to pollute my thoughts
Than face the silence of existence

The noise is too deep

Too corrosive, burning away the wall that I’ve built

All is questioned, and the responsibility becomes too much to bear

Too much weight, too little time, too many thoughts, no clear line

Do you know how many poems I’ve thrown away?

How many ideas I’ve suppressed

Suffocating with the creations of others, it’s easier this way

To remain in safety, a far distance away

If it’s all mine too bear, I promise I will

I’ll grow, face my fears

Fight the demons, conquer the years

Time is precious, I know this now

Everyday, every hour, conquering the weakness that is innate

No excuses, only uses

Use my hands, and fill my mind

Take my hand, and claim what’s mine

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

the detailing of specific occurrences

I find it entirely intriguing and questionable at times

that i write nothing of true substance
no facts, no depth
words and emotions, vague and perceptual

the irony is that if the opposite were to exist
it was be the same
shall I attempt?
Philosophical skepticism
nihilism
I know nothing

and nothing matters

I could dive deeper
prove my "intelligence"
but should I?
What sticks, lands
If growth, I'll still thrive
generations of minds can lead to clues
but nothing should be taken as testimony

I speak today not to defend myself

But rather debate my own mind on the truth
Micro or macro, or anything in between
Again I repeat, it means nothing
Unless in the case it does

Then I suppose I will see if specificity reigns supreme
However, the only matter at present is in maintaining personal satisfaction
It matters not what others think
Or the perception of your reality
The only that does survive is your own
And that is the one that is master, curator, and creator of all

Fact and fiction, pleasure and pain

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

sister, you've lost your mister

for all you stole
I hope you never feel that pain
you took a day that should be light
and crossed it with your name

selfish or a jealous soul
I know not how you could
for graceful is a word you're not
to bring such darkness forward

sadness must be all you hold
that's all your hands do sow

chaos reaps around you

and you've nothing left to show

you let your thoughts corrupt you

and your family decay

what do you hope to come from

when it's finally your day?

trauma cycling forward

will your home still stay the same

or will you learn your lesson

look your mother in her shame

you turned from those that loved you

who were welcome to forgive

to leave the past behind us

and move on to help you win

I harbor no ill will

and only wish things could be right

for your sake only

at this point, I've got no time

I'm really quite impartial

as time has quick progressed

I've learned you'd never accept a fault

and your character too regressed

and for that purpose only

to loyalty I oblige

I'd take every fall upon me

to lift this drama nigh

Thursday, March 17, 2022

Juvenile Fledgling

even though your crimes are punishable by law

and substantial in size

I can't help but feel pity for your life

as if peering into the nest of a helpless newborn bird

I feel nothing more than a compassionate sympathy

and perhaps a motherly responsibility to step in if the opportunity arose

knowing nothing without it's mother

lost, alone, and educated only by fear

with eyes seeing such a limited view

you've proved yourself to be capable of nothing more than self preservation

and for that, and that alone, I leave you be

until the day comes that you choose to leave the nest

or overstep the ledge and require maternal wings to intervene

I'll watch

gather materials and continue to ready myself in the name of maturing

only one can remain in the naivety of shortsightedness

as there isn't enough room in that prison for two

but the sky, the sky is limitless

and flying, flying high, is freedom

Thursday, March 10, 2022

NPC

brought forth in this world, I owe you not

though indebted to me you are

I did not ask, but fate I suppose did its work

fondness I have, attachment not

you did your best

all that's needed

have no regrets

for I'm my Eden

you served your purpose

and now to see

the next iteration

mine to lead

for sake of soul

I'll say I love you

truly so

my heart adores you

creator

guardian

human you were

human you are

onward I evolve

Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Hereditary Cycling of Their So-Called Love

You and that game you play

so repetitive I don't know how you do it

Painting a child as insane

for your own control and enjoyement

Push and provoke

then mimic the victim

a learned routine

so oddly remininscent

you're aware of it's origin

the original manipulator

but you choose not to see

and be your mothers perpetuator

Must've been so confusing

when your provider was your captor

but now you're thirty-two

and you can't recreate that chapter

Passing on your traumas

easier than facing the pain

a child at heart

afraid of being the same

Rather corrupt the innocent

and blame-shift the hurt

than heal the wounds

and leave the echo-chamber desert

All of your secondhand words

make the performance so obvious

at least have some respect

and tell the audience you recycled it

Let me choose if I'll stay

Didn't sign to be your duplicate

you had full reign

It was your self arbitrate

Must be so nice

to get away with murder

it's easy to frame

the woman as emotional

Why don't you say

what you've done all these years

the days of abuse

that led to my tears

The moment I bite

you act so confused

as if you didn't push me to my limit

when I was crying "I'm through"

Drawing the camera out

to catch the magic moment

although I've been recording

from the start of your performance

Hours tread on

and you latch to one second

call me so crazy

and ignore my pleads for an end to it

Logic and reason

have no place in this war

you've decided the outcome

and only want more

There's no escape to your antics

if I run you chase me down

if I scream you call me out

I'm fully trapped without a doubt

If only you could feel my fear

the grasp gripped tight around my neck

I wish only to find peace

and that this cycle will soon end

Forever free me from this grip

and all the lies that leave your lips

I'd rather loose it all today

than let you steal my youth away

Tuesday, November 2, 2021

Please Make a Full & Complete Stop: 20 Red Flags to look out for on your journey 🚩

When venturing into a new relationship, it's important to remember that people rarely change, if at all. More often than not, what you see, with slight room for variation and hopeful growth, is what you get. This is precisely why it is imperative to be ever-so clear on what you need and want from a relationship and/or partner before you engage in a romantic or friendly endeavor. You must be in a secure and self-loving place with yourself so that you do not compromise or alter the highest potential for your life or your dreams and goals.

It is one of the greatest responsibilities for both ourselves and the rest of the relational love-pool, that we do not fall prey to the ever prevalent and devious red flags that love so often turns us blind to. Wait for the right one and focus on yourself in the meantime.Life can be whatever you create it to be, and choosing a partner for your life is one of the most crucial and impactful decisions one can make: choose wisely. Limitless potential is right in your grasp in terms of your happiness and overall effectiveness, if you so choose to raise your standards and accept only the best for your life.Know your worth, and never settle for less. Here are some of the most common red flags to look out for:

If someone defends or argues about something you shared vulnerably with them that was emotionally or physically hurting you.
When their actions don't align with their words. This is manipulation at its finest.
If they never really communicate. This can go for anything and everything. Healthy and transparent communication is vital for any relationship. If you are often left feeling alone or questioning what someone is thinking, it may be time to go.
Dishonesty. There's a common phrase that says, “once a cheater, always a cheater” but I personally believe that “once a liar, always a liar” has overall more validity.
No accountability for their actions. If somebody hurts you and then is absent for the healing process, there is a small likelihood that they will ever emotionally be there for you or that they actually have conviction or remorse for their behaviors.
This one seems obvious, but it definitely wasn't for me. If the majority of your time together is negative, it is NOT healthy and/or a “normal” relationship.
If they do not defend your honor with family or friends and enable/allow negative conversations surrounding your partner to continue and do not protect you.
Disrespected boundaries. This can pretty much be summed up as a general lack of respect for both you and your time. This could be anything from scheduling discrepancies to making assumptions for you without communicating.
Lack of depth in your relationship. No curiosity to get to know your partner better.
Jealousy over your successes without any support or encouragement. A tendency to sabotage your wins.
A lack of transparency and teamwork. They often hide things and make decisions that include both of you without consent.
No initiation or effort when it comes to growth, conversation, or general connection. Relationship is one-sided.
Tendency to control. You do not feel mutual trust.
If they do not go above and beyond and/or make an effort to consistently “win” you, they never will. If you tend to feel like the relationship is not “enough,” it never will be.
If you are not growing in the relationship or you cannot say that you are “better” with them, it is a very clear indication to step away.
Having to repeat yourself more than once on a behavior that is harmful and then experiencing gaslighting and blame-shifting when expressing disappointment with the continued actions.
Mirroring your interests. No individuality or identity. Dangerous for independent individuals. It can seem appealing and almost perfect to begin with, but will eventually make you feel trapped and alone.
False-promises. If someone continually makes promises or sets expectations that do not come to fruition, this is a form of manipulation to keep you trapped.
They do not take no for an answer. Nothing happens unless it is their way or the answer that they want to hear. This was one of the most tricky red-flags that I encountered. As soon as I started setting up healthy boundaries I realized the truth, the compromise was one-sided
And finally, if you feel invisible or not seen or like you’re losing yourself, you need to go. If you were treasured, respected, and heard, you would know. It’s very simple.

Red and green flags can obviously vary from person to person depending on certain factors such as personality differences or developmental sensitivity levels, but I find that the red flags listed above are the undeniable no-go’s for ALL relationships no matter what your preferences may be.

Whether you function more successfully in a relationship or not, loner or extrovert, I hope that you always remember to take care of yourself first. After all, how can you love somebody if you don’t even love yourself? My personal belief is this is where the majority of relational problems stem from, diving into relationships too early looking to fill a void within themselves rather than face their own problems one on one. Putting their baggage on someone else and perpetuating the cycle of trauma.

Know your worth and never entertain excuses. Your time is precious and what is meant to be in your life, will. Don’t reward inconsistent and hurtful behavior by allowing it to continue. Actions will always speak louder than words. So please don’t be afraid to say no and walk away on the sight of the very first red flag.

Friday, June 25, 2021

Self Preservation in a Dependent World

I'm not faking
I'm just breaking inside
trying to hold myself together
trying to stay alive

Do you think I
wanna be
living a false reality
so I'll smile here in this public place
because I still have me and I love this face

Talking to the one who hurt me most
dagger to my heart and soul
but I have to feel this pain right now
because it's mine to bear and the key to hope

Can't turn away
though my thoughts want to hide
wanna forget everything
and just survive

But I'm almost there
to that resting place
where I feel the pain
and don't forget my name

Though others lie
I'm true to myself
won't hide away
not a broken shell

I'm whole in one place
so I'll hold myself
all of my pieces
and all of my doubt

Living this life as my dearest friend
no one can ever take me from me again

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Storm Inside

Lightning strikes
before my eyes
Yet no storm is due
See the chaos
of my upmost sadness
A strike upon the heart
Will it end
I do not know
yet it should pass near in time
Life's natural torment
is but a game
Playing storms as obstacles
and allowing man to win
To fear the player
is giving up
all one has within

To Leave or Stay

No association to my homeland
do I hold
The people here have no connection
to my mind nor soul
I want to venture out
to find someone like me
But then again such solitude
has made me just like me

Revelation is Soon

Have all the souls
lost their minds
there seems to be no fret

In a short time
the world will end
and their souls laid to rest

Have they no care
for whats to come
living frivolously

It all will burn
and so will they
we must prepare our fate

Trust is Lost

Cowardess does proweress
in this world we live

A weakend heart
is quick to jump
and sacrfifice the win

I see it all
day by day
the stabbing of ones back

It's good to keep a pair of eyes
all near and front and back

Moral Compass

One thing you'd think you'd never miss
I celebrate today
For it was gone
but now its back
I'd asking long for it
To feel whats wrong
and do whats right
This is the gift of life
I'm speaking now
of one great thing
Convictions what it's called

Anxiety of Eyes

The hardest thing for me to do
is the simplest of tasks
To walk across a public place
is nearly certain death
My legs stiff up
My heart beats fast
My breath is held all in
The only thing that seems to work
is my mind with thoughts so swift

About my blog!

Though they may not be perfect, as I am not, these are some of my writings. They are personal to me and mean more than just the simplistic words they appear to represent; they are my thoughts and feelings. I have no diary, but I suppose that these writings could be considered just that. I myself think that it is a beautiful and interesting thing to be able to gain an "inside look" as to what someone is thinking. I hope that as you read these posts you keep that in mind. That being said, be warned, these writings could be odd, introspective, sad, or even happy. You and I will never know until they have been written. I like to consider my life a story book, one page written at a time, so just as my writings, so goes my life. I feel as though this blog will serve as the perfect metaphor for my existence. Please feel to leave comments or share, and enter your email below for new post updates. Thank you for reading.

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