When venturing into a new relationship, it's important to remember that people rarely change, if at all. More often than not, what you see, with slight room for variation and hopeful growth, is what you get. This is precisely why it is imperative to be ever-so clear on what you need and want from a relationship and/or partner before you engage in a romantic or friendly endeavor. You must be in a secure and self-loving place with yourself so that you do not compromise or alter the highest potential for your life or your dreams and goals.
It is one of the greatest responsibilities for both ourselves and the rest of the relational love-pool, that we do not fall prey to the ever prevalent and devious red flags that love so often turns us blind to. Wait for the right one and focus on yourself in the meantime.Life can be whatever you create it to be, and choosing a partner for your life is one of the most crucial and impactful decisions one can make: choose wisely. Limitless potential is right in your grasp in terms of your happiness and overall effectiveness, if you so choose to raise your standards and accept only the best for your life.Know your worth, and never settle for less. Here are some of the most common red flags to look out for:If someone defends or argues about something you shared vulnerably with them that was emotionally or physically hurting you.
When their actions don't align with their words. This is manipulation at its finest.
If they never really communicate. This can go for anything and everything. Healthy and transparent communication is vital for any relationship. If you are often left feeling alone or questioning what someone is thinking, it may be time to go.
Dishonesty. There's a common phrase that says, “once a cheater, always a cheater” but I personally believe that “once a liar, always a liar” has overall more validity.
No accountability for their actions. If somebody hurts you and then is absent for the healing process, there is a small likelihood that they will ever emotionally be there for you or that they actually have conviction or remorse for their behaviors.
This one seems obvious, but it definitely wasn't for me. If the majority of your time together is negative, it is NOT healthy and/or a “normal” relationship.
If they do not defend your honor with family or friends and enable/allow negative conversations surrounding your partner to continue and do not protect you.
Disrespected boundaries. This can pretty much be summed up as a general lack of respect for both you and your time. This could be anything from scheduling discrepancies to making assumptions for you without communicating.
Lack of depth in your relationship. No curiosity to get to know your partner better.
Jealousy over your successes without any support or encouragement. A tendency to sabotage your wins.
A lack of transparency and teamwork. They often hide things and make decisions that include both of you without consent.
No initiation or effort when it comes to growth, conversation, or general connection. Relationship is one-sided.
Tendency to control. You do not feel mutual trust.
If they do not go above and beyond and/or make an effort to consistently “win” you, they never will. If you tend to feel like the relationship is not “enough,” it never will be.
If you are not growing in the relationship or you cannot say that you are “better” with them, it is a very clear indication to step away.
Having to repeat yourself more than once on a behavior that is harmful and then experiencing gaslighting and blame-shifting when expressing disappointment with the continued actions.
Mirroring your interests. No individuality or identity. Dangerous for independent individuals. It can seem appealing and almost perfect to begin with, but will eventually make you feel trapped and alone.
False-promises. If someone continually makes promises or sets expectations that do not come to fruition, this is a form of manipulation to keep you trapped.
They do not take no for an answer. Nothing happens unless it is their way or the answer that they want to hear. This was one of the most tricky red-flags that I encountered. As soon as I started setting up healthy boundaries I realized the truth, the compromise was one-sided
And finally, if you feel invisible or not seen or like you’re losing yourself, you need to go. If you were treasured, respected, and heard, you would know. It’s very simple.
Red and green flags can obviously vary from person to person depending on certain factors such as personality differences or developmental sensitivity levels, but I find that the red flags listed above are the undeniable no-go’s for ALL relationships no matter what your preferences may be.
Whether you function more successfully in a relationship or not, loner or extrovert, I hope that you always remember to take care of yourself first. After all, how can you love somebody if you don’t even love yourself? My personal belief is this is where the majority of relational problems stem from, diving into relationships too early looking to fill a void within themselves rather than face their own problems one on one. Putting their baggage on someone else and perpetuating the cycle of trauma.
Know your worth and never entertain excuses. Your time is precious and what is meant to be in your life, will. Don’t reward inconsistent and hurtful behavior by allowing it to continue. Actions will always speak louder than words. So please don’t be afraid to say no and walk away on the sight of the very first red flag.
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